I am living a miracle right now

Let me recap:

I am living a miracle right  now.  I did a genetic test out of the blue in October, after my Father In Law told me about a study at Women’s College.  My grandmother was a BRCA 1 carrier and breast cancer survivor.  I figured with family history, why not.  At the end of November, I got the positive results and began to set up appointments to be screened.  I met with the Breast Specialist at Women’s in February, and had a mammogram and MRI on March 26th.  When I got the results phone call, I was told that it is normal for a first MRI to show something, as there is nothing to compare it to, and that the mammogram was clear.  However, I needed a biopsy.  So, a week later, I went for an ultrasound biopsy.  The following week, we were told that the biopsy was clear, but that my doctor had a gut feeling and wanted to be 100% sure that everything was clear.  She sent me for an MRI biopsy, just to rule everything out.  

The following week, we got the devastating, yet optimistic news that I had very early stage breast cancer.  We met with the surgeon to discuss a double mastectomy and then probably about 4 sessions of chemo.  I have decided to take a leave of absence from work. 

I had the surgery on May 23rd.

So, here we are.  Let me tell you about my crazy life since May 23rd.  I remember bits and pieces of the day of surgery.  I know that I was an emotional mess going into surgery.  I clung to my husband, Kerry, and sobbed.  The intake nurse was hugging us, and even came to find me after to see how I did.  The few minutes before going in was probably the scariest of my life.  I felt so alone and vulnerable siting in a hospital gown.  The walk into the room was bright and sterile.  But the nurses and doctors were warm and friendly, and they tried to make me feel comfortable.  

After, in recovery, I woke with a start and felt like I had landed from another planet.  I was nauseous and uncomfortable.  I stayed there for a few hours, and then they sent me home!  Yes, you read that right!  It was DAY SURGERY!  I barely remember the next few hours, but we had hired a nurse and she arrived at 8 pm.  My kids slept out, so after I had a brief visit with them, they left for the night and she began to take care of me.  

In the weeks prior to surgery, I was connected with a friend who I knew through doing Pilate's at her house.  She had gone through this a few years ago, and she welcomed me into this warped club with open arms.  She insisted on me doing Pilate's with her to build my core (which was pretty good before but must be in TOP shape after), and lent me some pillows, button up shirts and a few other 'essentials'.  She has been my lifeline through all of this.  She answers my questions, and comes to take care of me - she even cleans out the fridge!  She is amazing.

My friends and family have also been amazing.  I recruited my good friend, Jenn, to be my director of communication and she set up a Meal train and spreadsheet.  The meals were filled within minutes of the posting.  My kids have been well fed and will be very disappointed when I have to start preparing the meals!  The love and support has been mind blowing for Kerry and I.  My very good Lisa sent me the most amazing quilt made by a quilting club in Ottawa.  I feel the love every time I use it.  She is truly an inspiration to me of the benefits of positivity!  

And, in the middle of everything, we had Zev's Bar Mitzvah.  I tried to do all of the big stuff before the surgery, but still had a lot to do leading up to it.  Zev was incredible, as were the rest of the kids.  Everyone had their outfits, speeches, and shoes.  I know that I upset a few people with the seating plan, but hey - I was on some pretty heavy meds while doing it and I tried.  I had to screw up somewhere!  The weekend was a success, and while I was not the way I wanted to be, I was there.  And I will be there at my kids weddings , and the B'nei Mitzvot of their children!  

And then we went to surgical oncologist the next day to get the pathology report.  It was good, but scary.  Thank God, my nodes are clear.  However, I am hormone negative and the tumour, while small and caught early was fast moving.  I feel like I would after narrowly missing being in a bad accident.  Had I not done the genetic test, it would have been VERY BAD, VERY QUICKLY.  That is haunting me.  The knowledge (not the what if) of the fact that this really could have killed me, and soon, is extremely hard for me to get my head around.  I even have to pause, as I type this, to shake my head.  

Was it a miracle?  A higher being?  Serendipity? Kismet?  My dad and other loved ones guiding me?  Who knows.  All I know, I have amazing medical care who have gone above and beyond to take care of me, even ensuring that I am OK at the Bar Mitzvah.  I know that I am so loved and cared for.  The emails from students and their parents bring me to tears.  The gift boxes and flowers are still coming in and much appreciated!  The food - I cant even express my gratitude.  But the best part of all of this?  The time people are taking out of their own lives to be here for me.  The visits are my favourite.  It may be exhausting, but I love seeing everyone.  We have a large family and a wide circle of friends, which makes seeing people tricky.  I have loved each and every visit.  

So now, I have rested, and will continue to rest.  I am packing 3 kids for camp, as well as for a family trip to the Mediterranean first.  In my true fashion, I don't have time for this cancer stuff!  I will probably be starting chemo after the trip, so I plan on enjoying every second - even if I have to do a little slower than usual.  

Life goes on - cancer treatment and all!