Living a miracle

11 years ago my life was very different. I guess most people change a lot over more than a decade, but today is a day of reflection for me and it’s when these glaring changes are blinking in my brain like a huge neon sign.   11 years ago, I had 3 beautiful children, one of whom was a new born and two in nursery school. I had a wonderful husband who was so busy building his businesses, which meant frequent trips to trade shows and conferences.  I had 4 parents (biological and in-law) who helped and supported us as our young family grew and developed.  We still had 3 amazing grandparents that fed us with good food and great stories and showered us with unconditional love.   We had aunts and uncles and cousins who were all together for events and holidays. We were newish to the neighbourhood and had not yet built the many wonderful relationships we have now, but we had a great circle of friends who are family by choice.  And then the unthinkable happened. ...

So, it has been exactly one year since I was diagnosed.  365 days.  The day I was diagnosed, Kerry and I came home, picked up Alesh and went to Zahra's play.  Spent an hour or so doing the cast's make up and then sat in stun in the dark audience.  Only the adults knew.  Coming full circle, we just had Zahra's school play again.  She played G-ma and was incredible.  And, she wore my wig as part of her costume!  I hated wearing it and I am so glad that it was put to good use!  She looked great in it and she nailed the role!  I couldn't help but be struck by the irony of it. Tomorrow is also the Jewish anniversary of the day I met Kerry (we met on the day of the first Seder) 20 years ago. It has always struck me as appropriate that I met the man of my dreams on the day of my favourite holiday.  Many of you may have just gasped - yes, this is my favourite holiday.  I LOVE Passover.  I love the food, I love the tradition, and...

Today is my 45th birthday.  I love my birthday.  I always have loved my birthday and I love celebrating birthdays! There have been a few numbers that were harder than others, such as 25 - I was not happy to turn 25.  I felt that it was SO OLD!!  I had spent my 22nd year in Israel, and when I returned I was unsure what to do with my life.  About a year after returning home, I started working at Post City Magazines as an advertising assistant for my (now) dear friend Lynne.  All through my 24th year I went out, had dozens of 1st dates and just had a lot of fun with my friends.  But all year, Lynne kept telling me to call her sweet, and very good looking optometrist to see if he wanted advertise.  He didn't.  So, back to my 25th.  My best friend Lauren decided to throw me a birthday party at Indian Motorcycle Club.  20 or so of my closest friends came and it was then that I had an epiphany.  25 was going to be a great year. ...

I  am writing this as I sit at TGH waiting for to see my cardio-oncologist. I have been mulling this blog around for the past 8 days. Chanukah is a holiday commemorating miracles. We remember the miracle of the Maccabees as well as the miracle of the oil lasting for 8 days. Miracles always seemed like they only occurred in biblical times. But I’m realizing that miracles happen all around us. I am living my own miracle, and I would regret to let this moment pass without marking it at this time.   As humans, we have the ability to shape our own perspectives on situations. We have free thought and can create our own realities. Yes, shit can happen. Yes, life can suck sometimes. And yes, life can be really, really hard. But it’s how we look at it that shapes how we live. So many people have told me how strong I am and how brave I am in how I’ve dealt with my diagnosis and treatment. I’m neither. I’m just choosing to be positive and to enjoy life. I could let this experience m...

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last blog.  I know that I have been pretty visible on Facebook with my videos and posts, but felt it was time for an actual update. Let me be clear - chemo SUCKS.  I thought that I would be back to normal by now, and just getting my strength up for surgery in February.  Let's just say it is still kicking my ass.  I am usually REALLY active.  I am not one to sit still for very long, and usually work out at least 3-4 times a week - weights, pilates, spin, cardio etc.  Now, I am usually bagged by about 6 pm, and can barely get through a 30 min ab workout.  This was not what I expected.   I also need to remind myself to take a break, otherwise I feel like shit.  If I do too much I get terrible headaches at night and it takes me a couple of days to feel relatively 'normal' again. I am also dealing with the crazy hormones that go along with breast cancer and its treatments.  I am not on Hormo...

I was supposed to have my last chemo today.  However, there has been a delay.  As mentioned in my last blog, I wasn't feeling great last week.  I went to the doctor on Monday, and it seems that, while I didn't have the infection she thought, it seems that heartburn was causing acid sores in my esophagus!  YAY!  Fun!  Anyways, that is the cause of the throat issues and the medication I was on was causing the stomach issues.  But, as well, my oncologist wants to wait a week to let things settle down and heal.  I am disappointed that I won't be finished today,  but I went into this expecting that there will be a complication or delay.  I wasn't being pessimistic, just realistic.  I figured that if there was an issue, at least I had figured there would be!  And if there wasn't, than bonus! However, by delaying, I get to have another good week before things get bad again for the last time!  I can watch Zev play baseball, cele...

Its Labour Day. This is the worst day of the year - no kid is happy, parents are stressed because the easy going days of summer are ending, and teachers everywhere are scrambling to get ready.  Does anyone sleep well tonight?  The first day of school is exciting, but Labour Day sucks.  It just does.  Its a school night! It's 6:44 am as a I write this.  WTF am I up? Good question.  One of the many chemicals in my body makes sleeping weird.  The first week of chemo makes me sleep with the craziest dreams - Smurfet and the cast of Fauda were at a party at my house; and the second week is hard to sleep.  The first week I can't wake up, and the second I am up at 6:30 every day!  But both weeks I have to force myself to stay up until at least 10.  Nurses orders! I am not in a good mood these days.  I am bored out of my mind and totally cranky.  I am practically housebound as I am trying to avoid crowds and potential germs. ...

The fog seems to have lifted from the second round of chemo.  I am very lucky that I have not had any nausea, but the sheer exhaustion and joint pain has been excruciating.  So far, the cold cap seems to be working.  My hair is thinning, but not falling out in clumps.  I will know by the end of the week if it is actually successful.  I was going to name this post Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow? But Kerry didn't think it was funny. This has been a challenging few days.  It seems that the symptoms compound, so it will get worse before it gets better.  I have been lethargic and cranky.  I have  had no energy and my brain is foggy.  The worst part is the lack of taste!  I have a normal appetite, but I cant taste anything!  I need savoury or sweet.  My friend, Dionne, developed these amazing organic freezies called Deebee Pops which I LOVE (http://www.deebeesorganics.com).  I bought them at Pusateries.  They are all natu...

So, one down, three to go! Chemo sucks - no way around it.  But, I know it can always be worse.  The actual process is long and (besides the actual pain of the IV) metaphorically painful.  The first session in LONG - there is a lot of waiting around and then A LOT of people talking to me - the nurses, the pharmacists, and the social worker.  I haven idea what most of them said to me - how could I take in all of that information during such a stressful time???  I am also using whats called a cold cap, in the hopes of saving my hair.  That doubles the time I am in the chair - 45 mins before and 2 hours after - all with a cap of ice on my head (http://www.coldcomfortcanada.ca).  Lets hope it works!  We will know next week. I felt the effects of the chemo almost immediately, as well as the heavy duty anti-nauseau meds.  I was, and continue to be EXHAUSTED.  Luckily, no nausea so far, but some other unexpected (by me, not the doctors) side ...

Hello all,  I know its been a few weeks.  I think every cancer patient should get 3 weeks in Europe to recoup.  It did me wonders.  We cruised the Mediterranean with the kids and Kerry's family to celebrate my in-laws 50th.  It was perfect!  The kids had the time of their lives and it was truly the best family vacation we have ever had.  My in-laws were thrilled!  Then the kids flew home and Kerry and I continued on for 2 more glorious weeks!  I loved every second of the trip, and savoured every moment.  And BOY did we have moments!  Every day was a different adventure, and I absolutely LOVE travelling with my husband!  I think we fall deeper in love on each trip! But now back to reality.  The past two weeks have been filled with doctors and tests.  We met with my oncologist, Ellen Warner, last week, and chemo was the plan.  She told me that she wanted me on a 6 month course,  but then called me back two...

This post is not for pity - this is fo solidarity!  I am currently packing 3 kids to go to overnight camp.  I want to just lie down amongst the duffle bags and cry.  It is AWFUL - but still totally worth it!  I am living the drama that is playing out all over my neighbourhood and across the city.  I know that all of us are suffering through the piles of clothes, the shoes, the toiletries and linens that are piled up in various parts of the house.  For first time campers, the piles match the packing list to a T.  As the kids get more savvy, and the parents get more complacent, those piles grow and take on a life of their own.  My son's piles are relatively small and contained.  I joke that he really only needs two outfits, and no socks, but he rolls his eyes at me - he does that a lot now that he's a teenager!  One year, I actually called the camp to tell them he needed to change his clothes as he was in one shirt in EVERY single picture....

I won't lie to you.  Every moment is not great.  I try to be optimistic, but sometimes is just SUCKS.  Yes, I am thankful that it was caught early.  Yes, I am thankful that I am alive.  Yes, I am thankful that I live in Toronto, with access to some of the best medical care in the world.  Yes, I am thankful that I am married to the best man who takes such great care of me. Yes, I am thankful to be surrounded by family and friends who love us and take care of us. However, I want my life back. I am usually a go go go person.  I am always running off somewhere to do something.  I usually make the meals, go to work, workout, drive the kids to various activities, shop, hang out with friends, have family events and just do my thing.  I  am fiercely independent and I love being spontaneous. These days, I am like a child.  I can't do anything by myself.  For 6 weeks after surgery, I can't lift more than 5 lbs.  I can't carry ...

Let me recap: I am living a miracle right  now.  I did a genetic test out of the blue in October, after my Father In Law told me about a study at Women’s College.  My grandmother was a BRCA 1 carrier and breast cancer survivor.  I figured with family history, why not.  At the end of November, I got the positive results and began to set up appointments to be screened.  I met with the Breast Specialist at Women’s in February, and had a mammogram and MRI on March 26th.  When I got the results phone call, I was told that it is normal for a first MRI to show something, as there is nothing to compare it to, and that the mammogram was clear.  However, I needed a biopsy.  So, a week later, I went for an ultrasound biopsy.  The following week, we were told that the biopsy was clear, but that my doctor had a gut feeling and wanted to be 100% sure that everything was clear.  She sent me for an MRI biopsy, just to rule everything out....