I want my life back!
I won't lie to you. Every moment is not great. I try to be optimistic, but sometimes is just SUCKS. Yes, I am thankful that it was caught early. Yes, I am thankful that I am alive. Yes, I am thankful that I live in Toronto, with access to some of the best medical care in the world. Yes, I am thankful that I am married to the best man who takes such great care of me. Yes, I am thankful to be surrounded by family and friends who love us and take care of us.
However, I want my life back.
I am usually a go go go person. I am always running off somewhere to do something. I usually make the meals, go to work, workout, drive the kids to various activities, shop, hang out with friends, have family events and just do my thing. I am fiercely independent and I love being spontaneous.
These days, I am like a child. I can't do anything by myself. For 6 weeks after surgery, I can't lift more than 5 lbs. I can't carry my purse, I can't move things around, I can't carry a laundry basket (I know you are tearing up over that one, but think about how inconvenient it is!), I can't schlep stuff. I am just starting to be able to clear the table, but my balance is still off, so filling the dishwasher is a no no. And I can't empty it as I cant carry the dishes and lift them over my head. I need help opening the lid of a bottle of water these days, as the twisting is a lot of pressure. My least favourite restriction is not being able to drive. It is DRIVING me CRAZY (excuse the pun)! During the first couple of weeks, while on the heavy meds and still having the drains, it was a non-issue. But now, as I am recuperating well, and trying to get the kids packed for camp, it is really annoying. I took Zahra to get a manicure the other day, and I didn't want to bother anyone, so we took the TTC. Its a few short blocks to the stop, but it completely exhausted me! My mother wasn't too happy with me and she came to pick us up after the appointment.
But the worst is the lack of sleep. These stupid f@#$%^g tissue expanders are not very comfortable, and make sleeping hard. Turning over is a challenge, as I then need to get comfortable again. Then, the edges of these things are hard, so they dig in. Sometimes, they feel fine, and I can barely feel them. Other times, they feel like I have cement in my chest. All normal, but very hard to deal with in reality. Last night, I slept fine, but woke up at 6, for no good reason. The night before, I was in so much discomfort (its not pain, but just really uncomfortable) that I had to take painkillers in the middle of the night. I can sleep flat now, but sometimes need to sleep sitting up. There will be days and nights like these, but they suck when they happen. And, the tissue expanders look weird. They are lumpy and squishy - which is NOT how I looked before. I am carrying around 200 cc on each side, and about the size I was when I was 15, but they are much heavier than real breasts. I have heard that the implants will feel much better.
I hate taking sleeping aids or painkillers, as I feel that I am groggy the next day, but I have to sleep! Those of you who know me very well, know that I NEED to sleep to be the sweet lovely person you know me to be! Without about 8 hours I am a bit cranky. I am averaging 6.5. I like that I am up early (hey - its 7 am and I am almost finished writing this), but 5:30 am is a bit stupid! (Except for you Amy and all of the other Harmony ladies who go to the gym at this time every day) It is lovely to sit and sip my coffee as the day begins, but I could do that at 7! I don't know if I can handle another 5 months of this!!!! And I know many of you are thinking, just take a nap - but then I can't fall asleep until midnight! And then still up at 5:30/6! I see why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!
However, I want my life back.
I am usually a go go go person. I am always running off somewhere to do something. I usually make the meals, go to work, workout, drive the kids to various activities, shop, hang out with friends, have family events and just do my thing. I am fiercely independent and I love being spontaneous.
These days, I am like a child. I can't do anything by myself. For 6 weeks after surgery, I can't lift more than 5 lbs. I can't carry my purse, I can't move things around, I can't carry a laundry basket (I know you are tearing up over that one, but think about how inconvenient it is!), I can't schlep stuff. I am just starting to be able to clear the table, but my balance is still off, so filling the dishwasher is a no no. And I can't empty it as I cant carry the dishes and lift them over my head. I need help opening the lid of a bottle of water these days, as the twisting is a lot of pressure. My least favourite restriction is not being able to drive. It is DRIVING me CRAZY (excuse the pun)! During the first couple of weeks, while on the heavy meds and still having the drains, it was a non-issue. But now, as I am recuperating well, and trying to get the kids packed for camp, it is really annoying. I took Zahra to get a manicure the other day, and I didn't want to bother anyone, so we took the TTC. Its a few short blocks to the stop, but it completely exhausted me! My mother wasn't too happy with me and she came to pick us up after the appointment.
But the worst is the lack of sleep. These stupid f@#$%^g tissue expanders are not very comfortable, and make sleeping hard. Turning over is a challenge, as I then need to get comfortable again. Then, the edges of these things are hard, so they dig in. Sometimes, they feel fine, and I can barely feel them. Other times, they feel like I have cement in my chest. All normal, but very hard to deal with in reality. Last night, I slept fine, but woke up at 6, for no good reason. The night before, I was in so much discomfort (its not pain, but just really uncomfortable) that I had to take painkillers in the middle of the night. I can sleep flat now, but sometimes need to sleep sitting up. There will be days and nights like these, but they suck when they happen. And, the tissue expanders look weird. They are lumpy and squishy - which is NOT how I looked before. I am carrying around 200 cc on each side, and about the size I was when I was 15, but they are much heavier than real breasts. I have heard that the implants will feel much better.
I hate taking sleeping aids or painkillers, as I feel that I am groggy the next day, but I have to sleep! Those of you who know me very well, know that I NEED to sleep to be the sweet lovely person you know me to be! Without about 8 hours I am a bit cranky. I am averaging 6.5. I like that I am up early (hey - its 7 am and I am almost finished writing this), but 5:30 am is a bit stupid! (Except for you Amy and all of the other Harmony ladies who go to the gym at this time every day) It is lovely to sit and sip my coffee as the day begins, but I could do that at 7! I don't know if I can handle another 5 months of this!!!! And I know many of you are thinking, just take a nap - but then I can't fall asleep until midnight! And then still up at 5:30/6! I see why sleep deprivation is a form of torture!
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