Nobody Wants to Read Your F@#$ing Blog!

 I just realized that it has been almost a year since my last Blog post.  Its not that I haven't had any deep thoughts, but I just didn't think they were necessarily blog worthy.  About 5 or 6 years ago, Kerry and I were walking in Berlin (sigh, oh to travel again) when we saw a t-shirt in the window with the quote "Nobody Wants to Read Your Fucking Blog".  We laughed and it became a running joke between us.  It was not meant to insinuate that every blog is irrelevant, it was just a funny statement.  However, it left an impression on my blog intentions.  I would wonder what people would think as they read (or ignored) my most recent blogs.  I was no longer updating on medical procedures or results, and I really didnt need to post about the mundane aspects of my life.  And then covid locked us down.  I must of been in a haze because the months have flown by.  I feel so lucky that I have the creature comforts around me, and I know that we are blessed and fortunate.  

So why am I writing this?  Because I am completely devastated by the loss of my good friend Lisa.  I feel I need to share my thoughts so I don't burst.  When I found out from Matt that Lisa had passed, I was in the middle of preparing my courses for online learning.  I was swamped with learning new technology, prepping for a new course and getting my head back ing the game.  I had to compartmentalize my grief so that I could stay focused on the task at hand.  I asked my loved ones to respect that and that I would speak to them when I was ready.  But now, Saturday morning, the waves of grief are crashing in.  

I have lost people I love beyond words, but I have never lost a good friend (Thank God).  A girl friend is special.  A true girl friend kicks your ass when you need it, but is always there to pick you up.  Lisa was a true friend.  Let me take you back almost 18 years ago.

I dont remember the exact date, but it was around November 2002 that I started doing pre-natal yoga at the JCC.  In January, I started to also do pre-natal aquafit there too.  Imagine - a pool full of pregnant ladies in our lovely maternity bathing suits.  For you youngens reading this, this was before it was ok to wear a regular bikini when pregnant.  My bathing suit was HUGE!  It was a tankini that would balloon out in the water.  VERY attractive.  Anyhoo, being me, I talk to everyone.  The water was freezing, I saw the hilariousness of how we looked, and I could not keep it inside!  Of course, Lisa also talks to everyone and we ended up becoming fast friends.  Our little group became a five-some with Erika, Jan and Daneal joining our rebellious little group.  We would be so chatty the instructor would actually get mad at us!!!  Which, of course, we found even more hilarious.  Lisa and I had such a reputation that when the instructor was asked by CTV to send some name to be interviewed about being pregnant during SARS, she sent us!  We were supposed to film on March 20th, 2003, but the US invaded Iraq and we were bumped.  But the following week, approximately 1 month before giving birth, a limo picked the two of us up and took us to the studios to film - hair, make-up, buffet - the whole shebang!

On April 24th, Lisa, who was already over due, and I sat with our feet in my hot tub.  She was not happy and made a joke that I was going to go into labour before her.  Sure enough, in the wee hours of April 26th, 10 days early, I went into fast and furious labor.  When I asked the nurse if there was a Lisa Hirsh-Wax there,  and she said no, I said "I can't have this baby yet - Lisa is going to KILL ME!!"  But Alesh had other plans.  Two days later, and WAY past his due date, Jakob decided to make a slow and laborious arrival.  And then the fun really began!  All five of us had the babies within 2 weeks, so we all hung out weekly.  Alesh slept through the night at 6 weeks, Jakob didn't. I would get calls first thing in the morning from Lisa telling me to get up and get dressed and she'd get so pissed that Alesh was still sleeping!  We took walks together, had lunches at each others homes, and of course, the music classes!  My favourite was the one Lisa ran at my place.  My dad would come with his guitar sometimes, Marilyn would watch Jakey and all of us would just be there enjoying the camaraderie of being a first time mom.  

Once we all went back to work, we had to adjust our get togethers.  The five of us started to meet up every quarter for a night out.  However, Alesh joined Jakob at Gan Yeladim and we saw each other a lot more.  Matt and Kerry also became good friends over the years, and our family became meshed within their group of friends.  We have enjoyed many a family dinner together, and their Super Bowl parties are a family favourite.  But the five of us had a special bond that was always a phone call, and now a text, away.  Over the years, we have closed down many restaurants, getting dirty looks from other tables for laughing so loudly. No topic was off topic, and we have the level of trust that we know we will get honesty and no judgement.   Teased, maybe, but always with love and laughter! We have had spa days, weekends away, birthday parties, celebrations, and then sicknesses.  

When Lisa found out she was sick, the four of us gathered around her and made sure we still maintained our dinners out.  Lisa was always our social director and contact person.  We have promised her that we will continue to do this.  Lisa never wanted to let her illness get in the way of her life.  She travelled, went out to eat, went to concerts, and entertained.  Her illness didn't define her.  Although it took its toll physically, she wanted to enjoy her life.  And I believe she did.  When I was diagnosed, two years after Lisa, I told her she was my cancer guru.  I have said that my cancer was like having a cold, while Lisa's cancer was ... well, cancer.  I know how lucky I am.  On my worst days, I would look at myself and say - "how can I wallow when Lisa doesn't?"  "how can I say whoa is me, when Lisa is enjoying every moment?"  Yes, I know that Lisa did have some bad times, but she made sure to enjoy the good ones.  

I truly believed Lisa would beat this.  My mom's friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few months before our wedding and couldn't travel from Vancouver because she was too sick. She is still alive.  I truly believed Lisa would be like that.  Scary moments followed by a new med that would save the day.  The logical side of my mind knew it was stacked against her, but my optimistic side hoped for a miracle.  Lisa may not be with us physically.  But she will always be my dear friend.  Matty and the kids will always be our family, and we will envelop them with the safety of friendship and love.  

So I ask myself this question:  How do I mourn a dear friend?  One who was so special and kind? One who always had the answers or helped to find them?  One who knew how to motivate and inspire?  I think the answer it to keep enjoying life - look for the beauty and the sun.  Enjoy the quiet moments and relish the loud ones.  Cherish the memories but continue to make new ones.   And take chances and be open to failure - you never know when it will be a success!

Love you Lisa