The Season of Miracles

I am writing this as I sit at TGH waiting for to see my cardio-oncologist. I have been mulling this blog around for the past 8 days. Chanukah is a holiday commemorating miracles. We remember the miracle of the Maccabees as well as the miracle of the oil lasting for 8 days. Miracles always seemed like they only occurred in biblical times. But I’m realizing that miracles happen all around us. I am living my own miracle, and I would regret to let this moment pass without marking it at this time. 

As humans, we have the ability to shape our own perspectives on situations. We have free thought and can create our own realities. Yes, shit can happen. Yes, life can suck sometimes. And yes, life can be really, really hard. But it’s how we look at it that shapes how we live. So many people have told me how strong I am and how brave I am in how I’ve dealt with my diagnosis and treatment. I’m neither. I’m just choosing to be positive and to enjoy life. I could let this experience make me introverted and timid. I could have isolated myself and stressed over every symptom and all of the ‘what if’s’ that could happen. I’m not judging those that do turn inward, but that’s just not my style. Truthfully, I didn’t know what ‘my style’ was in the face of a cancer diagnosis, but I realized that I didn’t want to let this quash me. 

When my dad died 10 years ago, I felt lost. I was the mom of 3 very young kids and had lost a sense of myself that took years to find again. I went back to work and ended up being surplused from my beloved school and had to reinvent myself professionally. I was exercising like crazy, and was looking to define myself. I wasn’t always the best wife, mom or daughter. Maybe even not a great friend. I was trying so hard to hold everything together, but was not necessarily doing the best job in any area.   I was angry and sad. I was surrounded by love, but I wasn’t loving myself. 

Being diagnosed with cancer, while scary as hell, has been a blessing. It has given me a perspective on life that many people don’t get until they are much older. I have always been madly in love with my husband, but this has connected us in a much deeper sense. I have (I hope) demonstrated to my children how to function during a challenging time. I have been completely open with them and they are fully aware of the realities, scars and all. I have benefitted from the goodness of my community and it has made me closer to all of my friends and have made new friends. 

And now that chemo is behind me, I am trying to get back to regular activities. I have started spinning again, and I am not shy or timid. I am yelling out and singing along. Today’s class struck a cord for me. Dana, the instructor and owner of Rocket Cycle, spoke about being present and grateful for what you have. Focus of what you have and not what you don’t have. It was that call to action that helped me to type this out. I am grateful for the love I have, and I make sure to tell Kerry how much he means to me and that we are a team. We can overcome anything while we’re together. 

Kerry and I started to go away alone every summer about 5 or 6 years ago. We dropped the kids off at the camp bus and would drive straight to the airport. It is a special time for us as a couple. We are so busy working and being parents during the other 50 weeks of the year that we are blessed to have these 2 together.   We treasure our ‘couple’ time and it makes us stronger.   Just this past Saturday, our dear friend Michael had all 3 of our kids at his house for a movie and sleepover.   We needed that night!  

My life is a miracle. While not a burning bush or oil burning for 8 days, my cancer diagnosis was miraculous nonetheless. It was found so early and so treatable. My father-in-law, Stan, saved my life by telling me to get that genetic test. My Breast specialist, Dr. Lenkoff saved my life by insisting on having the MRI biopsy. But the circumstances themselves are miraculous. How did this perfect scenario come to be?  What if I wasn’t sitting at my computer at the moment Stan called me?  What if Dr Lenkoff trusted the first biopsy?  I shudder to think. 

I have learned a lot about myself over these past 6 months. I can find joy in weird moments, I can see the humour in my life. I realize the importance of being happy. I can laugh through the pain. And I treasure the love and compassion that has been directed at me. I know I will be physically ok in a few months. I have heard that the psychological effects stick around a lot longer. But I’m trying to keep the negative thoughts at bay and focus on the positives. I’m going to keep laughing and smiling. It’s my choice how I deal with this. I’m not strong or brave. I’m just grateful. 

** My heart is back to pre chemo functioning!  Woohoo!f