Scared S@#tless

Hello all,  I know its been a few weeks.  I think every cancer patient should get 3 weeks in Europe to recoup.  It did me wonders.  We cruised the Mediterranean with the kids and Kerry's family to celebrate my in-laws 50th.  It was perfect!  The kids had the time of their lives and it was truly the best family vacation we have ever had.  My in-laws were thrilled!  Then the kids flew home and Kerry and I continued on for 2 more glorious weeks!  I loved every second of the trip, and savoured every moment.  And BOY did we have moments!  Every day was a different adventure, and I absolutely LOVE travelling with my husband!  I think we fall deeper in love on each trip!

But now back to reality.  The past two weeks have been filled with doctors and tests.  We met with my oncologist, Ellen Warner, last week, and chemo was the plan.  She told me that she wanted me on a 6 month course,  but then called me back two days later that she had revisited my file and wanted me to try the 2 month course and see a cardio-oncologist to ensure my heart was ok for it.  I went to see the C-O yesterday, and my heart is A-OK.  I am not surprised, but glad to know!  Chemo starts tomorrow, after I go see my Plastic Surgeon first.  As well, I am a candidate for using the cold-cap which should save my hair!  In the middle of all of this, I had to have a biopsy done on a thing on my face AND a cavity filled.  WTF???  Zev was supposed to come home yesterday, smack in the middle of all of this, but, thank goodness, the camp allowed him to stay a few more days.  We'll pick him up on Sunday.

So why am I scared?  Hey, I can't be brave ALL of the time!  I know, logically, that this is a preventive measure, not a lifesaving one.  And I am trying to keep it in perspective.  I am trying to think of the fear that people I love, who are, or have, gone through worse.  My dad, knowing that he was dying, made jokes about the fact that he was getting a tattoo before the radiation to help alleviate the pain from his tumours.  My dad knew he was dying from the day of diagnosis, but made sure to protect us all.  He always kept his sense of humour, even at the end.  I think about the fear my Uncle Dov faced, waiting for his double lung transplant, and then knowing that he was rejecting it.  I think about my Uncle Zelick, facing health issues that he has seen the worst case of, and hoping for the best and keeping optimistic and enjoying life.  I think about my friend Lisa, who takes on everything thrown at her with grace and a beautiful smile and who goes, every other week, to get treatment but still enjoys life.  I think about kids I know of - Owen and Cory, who even though I don't actually know them personally, inspire me and teach me (and everyone they meet) about resiliency and courage.

But chemo is chemo.  The word instills fear in everyone!  I don't want to be 'sick'.  I want to be me.  I want to be out with Kerry on a warm summer night.  I want to be riding my bike to Avenue road to get groceries.  I want to be gearing up for a new school year (ugh - can't believe I am actually missing work!).  I want to go to Wonderland with Zev and ride the roller coasters.  I just want to be me.  I don't know how the drugs are going to make me feel, and I am not good with the unknown.  But,  just like my surgery, I will get through it.  And thank goodness I don't have to throw a Bar Mitzvah or go away like I did after that!  I will take time to recoup, and this will all be behind me!

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